So You're Going To Be A Daddy

Here are five things I learned from my first go-round at being a dad. I hope you find them helpful. 

Do something special for the mom-to-be

The baby on the way is going to take center stage in your life, but mom still needs to feel special and beautiful.  Take her to a bed and breakfast for a weekend.  Buy her some diamond earrings.  If the budget is tight, write her a letter or poem reminding her of how important she is to you. 

Do something special for the baby

It is important for your wife or girlfriend to know that you are excited about the baby that you two made together.  Make a little gift basket for your little one that includes some baby essentials.  Pacifiers, onesies (gender neutral if you don’t know yet), swaddling blankets, and some flowers that can be dried and kept as a memento are a good start. 

Read

If you’re reading this, then you are on the right track. 

Reading for her

Go to your public library and check out books about what your wife or girlfriend is going through.  This support for will mean a lot to her.  She is going to be very tired for the first few months, so if you can learn about what's happening in her body and mind, it will help you empathize with her experience.  It seems to have a sort of grounding effect if you're able to summarize for her what is happening with her and the baby inside of her.  Just don't show her any pictures of how wide ten centimeters actually is.  That might undo all of your hard work. 

Reading for/to the baby

Don’t wait until the baby is born to start reading about how to take care of the physical, emotional, cognitive needs of your baby.  You may not get much reading done between feeding and changing your newborn every couple of hours, working on six hours of broken sleep.  Be armed with knowledge before your precious gift enters the world.  Reading to the baby in the womb is also a great way to connect with mom and the baby.  It shows mom that you are involved, and it creates a stronger bond with your child. 

Reading for you

Look for books or literature about what fathers can expect during a pregnancy.  All the books I found talked about preparing yourself to support your wife and baby emotionally and financially.  It is important to be aware that YOU ARE HAVING YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE AS WELL.  Frustrations about having to do more around the house can build up.  Stress about money.  Fears about being a bad dad.  These can all take their emotional toll, and they are legitimate feelings.  Try to find books or articles about what you can expect to experience emotionally.  If you can’t find any, go on to the next step.

Talk to other fathers

Since there isn’t a wealth of information to support you in your emotional response to the titanic experience of bringing a child into the world, talk to other dads.  The truth is that your wife/girlfriend will be very tired during the first trimester, so you will have to clean the house more, walk the dogs more, do more cooking, and run more errands.  This can build up stress after a while, so talk to dads who have been through what you are going through and can empathize with you.  I don’t recommend venting to your wife, who is having a totally different and more demanding experience.  You just won’t get the empathy you need.    

Reprioritize

Prepare to be on call for your wife. Be aware that you now have different, more important things to take care of.  The days of playing online poker for hours are over for a while - or should be.  From the moment you two realize you are having a baby, mom-to-be will start looking at you as a father-to-be, and you need to be ready to take care of your family.  This includes spontaneous trips to the store for ice cream and late night KFC runs. This includes being supportive when your wife starts to cry over an open refrigerator door because she can’t find anything she wants to eat.  This includes helping prepare the house for a baby.  This includes bracing yourself for less sleep, less working out, less time to yourself. 

So what’s the payoff? 

The indescribable, intense, and instant feeling of love and pride and desire to just care for this new miracle that has entered your world.  The joy and relief you feel when you first hear your child cry out.  The god-like feeling of largeness and tenderness you feel when your newborn rests peacefully on your chest while you recline for just a while.  Your child is a new and fantastic reason to try to be a better person.  Prepare yourself to love something like you’ve never loved anything else in the entire world.